Not Another Lockhart
by Roncrazychic
Summary: Something happens to Snape that makes him not quite right in the head. Follow Snape and Hermione through drama, tragedy, and heartbreak. Just kidding. Get ready for lots of laughs and an OOC Snape.


A/N: This is meant to be a funny story. If you do not enjoy it, stop reading and please do not notify me of the fact.

Disclaimer: This applies for all future chapters. I do not own these characters so don't sue me.

Chapter One: In Which Snape Finds Out That There Is An Abundance Of Idiots At Hogwarts

I hate this school. I hate every life form in it. I hate the teachers, the students, the ghosts, the giant squid, and the Whomping Willow that seems to have an obsession with killing innocent birds. But most of all, I HATE Dumbledore. And Neville Longbottom.

-Flashback-

"Well, Severusmyboy, he does need a tutor for Potions, and you _are _the Potions Master at this school. I hope you can see why I'm asking this favor of you. Would you like a lemon drop?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling. I hate it when Dumbledore adds "my boy" to the end of my name like that. I also hate it when he asks favors of me, wants to know if I would like a lemon drop, and when his damned eyes twinkle like that.

"I'm sorry, Headmaster, but I refuse to attempt to stuff information into that tiny brain of his. I already have to put up with Longbottom in class. Why don't you get Miss Granger to do it? I'm sure she is capable of doing as good a job as I can, and she has much more patience for idiots such as him." Although it pained me to do it, I had to admit that Granger was quite smart if it got me out of teaching Longbottom.

"Severusmyboy." No, no, no, no. Stop with the "my boy"! "Although I'm quite sure that Miss Granger would be good for the job, I know that nobody would be as good as you." Idiot, idiot, idiot!

So that is how I got stuck with the task of committing suicide.

-End Flashback-

So here I am, walking to my classroom after dinner to get ready for the tutoring session, when I could be hanging out with Lucius, who I do not hate, at a bar. Oh crap, Peeves is coming. With a bucket. I should have known not to take this corridor. Maybe I have enough time to run. Or not. "Ahhhhhhhhhh!" Damn, damn, DAMN! I hate frog guts.

I officially HATE Hogwarts now. I can't believe I'm teaching in this hellhole. Why didn't I quit a long time ago? Oh, that's right. I probably would have been snatched up by the ministry and shipped off to Azkaban.

After changing into a clean set of robes, I waited in my classroom for an hour. Ok, it was only ten minutes, but it felt like an hour! When Longbottom, may he die a most painful death, didn't show up, I went in search of him like a good teacher. I didn't find him ANYWHERE. Oh how I hate that boy. I finally decided to go back to my rooms for some fire whisky. On the way, I bumped into Granger.

"Oh, ProfessorSnapeSir!" Why does everyone feel the need to add something to the end of my name? "I had a few questions about the homework you assigned us! I found some extra information on the subject in the library! May I add it to the paper!" WHY does she have to say everything with damned exclamation points?

Being the kind, considerate, helpful teacher that I am, I pretended not to hear the idiot girl and continued my trek to the dungeons.

-Flashback-

Once again, oh crap. Peeves is coming this way. With another bucket. Run, run, run! Oh no, he's catching up. I really, really, really hate this school. Why won't Dumbledore just kick Peeves out? Oh yeah, that's right. Because Dumbledore's an idiot!

I feel the need to reiterate: I hate frog guts.

-End Flashback-

I am in my comfortable wingback chair with a glass of fire whiskey. I have changed into my silk pajama pants and am sitting in front of the fire. If anyone interrupts me, I will be royally pissed. Not like I'm not already pissed.

Who the hell is that knocking on my door? Well, I guess I better let them in. Damn, it's Longbottom.

"I'm sorry, Professor. I thought you said seven not-"

"Get the hell out!"

"Yes, Sir!"

Ahhh. Peace.

Making potions is my favorite thing in the world. Well, besides that muggle sport rugby. (But I don't tell anyone about that…) I'm in my lab making that half-breed's wolfsbane potion. Oh well, at least I don't have to hear all the ingredients and uses of it from that know-it-all. Blissful peace.

Hmmm. Weird. I feel kinda odd. Ohhhhh. I wonder what will happen if I add this pink stuff. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Pretty! Giggle That looks funny. Hehehehe.

"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ooooooooooo. Cliffy. Please tell me if I should keep writing this story. Don't worry. The HG/SS part will come into play soon.


End file.
